| It's been so long |
[Sep. 16th, 2007|12:58 am] |
| [ | Manifestation |
| |  sad | ] |
| [ | Audio Stimulation |
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Here I sit typing on this journal thing with the sound of "Rise" playing in the background on the tv (time for GITS: 2nd Gig already?), and I just think to myself just how fast time has gone by; how many events have taken place and they still feel like it happened yesterday. Time has slipped from my grasp and in my heart I wish I could close my eyes and it would stop still. Not for long, really, because I wouldn't like to be so selfish as to throw the universe for a loop. Yeah, it's hard to admit... I dwell on the past. Because everything all happens so quickly and there's so much that went so wrong and I can't erase it. I'm told to let it go and forget it all. To just burry it. See, that's the thing with me... I wouldn't have the heart or stomach to bury my own dead puppy or gerbil or whatever. How could I bury my own past? That of which has made me what I am now. What helped me to learn and, well, maybe grow. There's just so much I want back. I want my best friend back... as my best friend, I want to still be on speaking terms with Greg... oh god Greg, I want to not know John Stocking or anyone/anything he's affiliated with, I want my father to go back to being single and alone being happy with just his motorcycles and rides, I want to take back the week I spent in MI at Joe's in 2006...... How can I put it all behind me anyway??? I wake up drenched in sweat and bawling my eyes out because my past won't let ME go. Lately, it's been Cody and Greg. Before it was Wilhelm and John(and his whole sick crowd). And then there's the other things in between that have taken place in my life. I've spent days trying to get Greg's face out of my head. His smile, his soft and angelic eyes, his smooth and curly salt n pepper hair..... God... Losing him to my stupidity and wrecklaceness. My dreams torture me with what it could've been like if I hadn't driven him away. I was looking at my photo album after the 2nd dream and out of some dilusional glitch felt the picture as it I were touching his cheek once again. And then the pain comes on. But I hold it all in because.. really... what's the point?? Yeah I... loved.. Greg. More than I did my ex fiance Joe. I remember feeling such joy with him, when he'd hug me, wrap his arms around me and pick me up, when he touched my skin. The first night I met him I remember him walking away so astute and proper, his delicate curls bouncing with every step... and I had one mere little thought "God has let another of his angels fall. And he touched me.." And I remember I was alone at the table just watching everyone else have fun while I just sat there in envy. Oh lord... I hate falling for someone and then I'm the one who somehow finds some stupid way of driving them off leaving themselves thinking I'm some wacko... when all I want is for someone I connect with just hold me. Only I know the business between him and I, but I'll say I remember something he said to me in the early morning... "You're like an angel." God if only I could tell him how sorry I am for all the crap that led on and that I'm clean now trying to live as well as I can each day. What I would give to see him even if it meant it was the last. Then.. let him think what he wants of me... the sober, real me. Yeah Greg, call it what you want, but you hid in the shadows for so long... and to think... I believed I began to know you for you.. not a trent reznor, just outta the crow look-a-like once a week. And I let you into my life more than I probably should've. All I told you about my personal crap was true. If I had told you about Wilhelm and I .. I was just afraid you would've dropped me dead in the cold. Heh..... You ended up doing that anyway though, eh? Oh well.
And as for Cody... I'm ashamed. I'm hurt, confused, lost, betrayed, sick, angry, used.... so much I can't even mention. How could he have treated me like such shit while I sit here in pain every fucking day. I'M NOT ON THE PILLS ANYMORE YOU BITCH!!! Yeah!! I had to stay in the damn hospital for a week. Why? I'm not telling because you don't deserve to know. Anyone else wants to know then just comment me. And I'm going to suffer still for months... maybe years from why I was in the hospital. I hate being awake cuz then I have to walk around and feel the pain.. physical, mind you. It sucks though cuz I can't sleep well anymore cuz of these damn horrible dreams that leave me drenched in tears and sweat every night. I don't hate you Cody, but of all people in my life I have ever been associated with... You ashame me the most. Then again... you're turning into your mother... as I predicted would happen when we were younger. Sucks I was right. Oh well. Live your life the way you want, asshole. You'll prolly die of liver disease, lung cancer, brain tumors, or HEY I bet your COLON will suffer the most. ha Like they say, homosexual men live shorter lives than heteros. Tough break, dude. Oh well. I won't be there to watch you suffer or have to deal with standing (or sitting in my wheel chair) at your funeral. Congrats You Fag Fucker... You are on the top of my shit list. Shit... you're on an even different list cuz you're so damn special. Wilhelm's right.. you ARE, have been, and always will be a Selfish, Miserable, and Winey Loner. Ugh... I'm digusted. Good thing I can actually say I'm the only one around here that hasn't SLEPT with you. Igh.. So long, jack off! I'm not grovelling for your friendship. I don't have to and it wouldn't make any damn sense to. You wanna talk? You come groveling to me, you stupid shit. And yeah, I'm living off your tax money.. paying my mom's fucking bills you dumb fuck. Go to hell.. oh yeah.. wait.. no.. Go to heaven... and suffer from all the holiness you lack.
Annnyway, I miss you Wilhelm. I miss you more than words can express. Shit.. before Greg came along you were whom I longed for. If it weren't for me drinking and shit... we just might be together today. God only knows I guess. But really, I miss you period. I never got to tell you this... but between you and John... I felt more in my heart and soul laying with you. And unfortunately, that scared me. So yeah, I hid with John being miserable and tortured with my beer or whatever in hand to suppress it. It's odd if you think about it... I never felt the need or urge to drink when I was hangin with you... just us (not at the club.. dont even count that shit.. ugh). When living with John, I had to always have alcohol around just to tolerate him. I got so used to it I guess it's like it became normal, reality to me. And that sucked. Who knows who he was cheating on me with while we were together, but I know now that he was just a joke. His life is all just one big joke, for crying out loud. But yeah. I wish you hadn't moved. Yeah I know your um other girl there probably means more to you and when she tells you she misses you and stuff you probably appreciate it more and take it to heart more. Which sucks, honestly. But hey.. she made you happy, I guess.. from what it seemed. So there's no wrong doing there.
*sigh* I feel so alone. Oh yeah... and my dad had the gull to bitch at my mom because he had to pay 300 something for her physical therapy because she couldn't walk right or anything.. yeah.. she's jobless but it's not her fucking fault... and she IS doing all she can to get a new job, for christ sake. So I spoke up and said "You don't HAVE to pay crap. I'M paying for it!" He gave me this look that said "You just wait until your brother leaves." And I stood there and gave it right back. SCREW HIM. I HATE HIM. I want that fat diabetic asshole to die already!!!!!!!!!! I am so close to packing all of our stuff, grabbing my mom, and getting the hell out of here. Where will go I have no clue. Probably to either Michigan where my aunt is or down to my brother Chris's in MD. I wish God would just take him away from all of us. I'm so sorry I have to say it. But he makes me hurt every damn day. Someone please take him away. Please. My mom doesn't deserve the verbal abuse anymore. All she does is cry nowadays. And it doesn't help that I'm so fucking crippled and reliant on her. And even sometimes I treat her wrong for no reason. It's HIM!!!!!!! I can't wait for him to have a heart attack or stroke. Even if he doesn't die. Just to feel what it's like to be near death. If he became all mentally handicapped I'd put him in a home. I'm sorry... it hurts to even say this shit just because he's my father. But all I want is my mother to be happy and I want to be happy too.
My head hurts so much. Maybe I'll sleep tonight. I pray I do.
And if you think any of what I write about it fucked up or some shit or if you have problems with it... go bitch elsewhere. I don't have time for your shit. Goodnight. |
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